I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
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This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game