@erinmallorylong

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

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@JediGigi

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

@soulindivision2

Me: Always follow the science.
Also me: Thunders comin’, I can feel it in me noggin.

@sixfootcandy

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

@thevaginadiary

I used to think sex in those apocalyptic movies was so dumb cuz who would want sex when everything’s going to shit? I do, I want sex.. I changed my mind.

@NewSATQuestion

#NewSATQuestions
Starbucks messed up Kate’s order. Kate’s white. How done is she?
a.) 100% done
b.) 300% done
c.) SO done
d.) She can’t even

@MarfSalvador

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

@Sims_was_here

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

@ItalianBratikus

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

@david8hughes

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

@mommajessiec

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.