I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

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M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.



M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.


Me: Always follow the science.
Also me: Thunders comin’, I can feel it in me noggin.


Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.


I used to think sex in those apocalyptic movies was so dumb cuz who would want sex when everything’s going to shit? I do, I want sex.. I changed my mind.


Starbucks messed up Kate’s order. Kate’s white. How done is she?
a.) 100% done
b.) 300% done
c.) SO done
d.) She can’t even


Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?


My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk


My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.


Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done


Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.