@erinmallorylong

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

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@pseudo_fred

I’m a man with a very specific set of skills. Woodworking, mostly. And so help me, God, I’m going to find you and build you a bench.

@AllanCresswell

Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you’re going to transfer me to someone who doesn’t speak english?

@NicestHippo

[college ad]
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?

@LADaddy

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

@chrisrockozfan

Most people don’t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

@SardonicTart

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

@truegritrumble

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats