I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
You Might Also Like
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Every photo I’m tagged in
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10