@CynicalTherapi1

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

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@mostly_cheese

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

@TribalSpaceCat

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

@MavenofHonor

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

@iamspacegirl

[mouse plane]

mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking-

*mouse passengers squeal with delight*

@Mormonger

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

@sixfootcandy

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

@ScorpionDong

Holy crap! This guy in the car next to me is absolutely losing his shit over “My Heart Will Go On”…said the guy in the car next to me

@knot_eye

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!