*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
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HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Had me at the first half.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking-
*mouse passengers squeal with delight*
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Holy crap! This guy in the car next to me is absolutely losing his shit over “My Heart Will Go On”…said the guy in the car next to me
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,