I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

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HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun


Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible


The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse


[mouse plane]

mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking-

*mouse passengers squeal with delight*


Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.


[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.


Holy crap! This guy in the car next to me is absolutely losing his shit over “My Heart Will Go On”…said the guy in the car next to me


Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,