I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
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Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.