I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
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squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Smile Twitter, Smile.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up