I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
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If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Had to try this trend 😊
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they