I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
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My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.