@OhReallyRach

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

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@david8hughes

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

@HeyZeus666

You’ve got to be twins. You’re too stupid to be one person.

@Mirimade

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

@thenatewolf

*jumping on a trampoline*

What do you mean you want full custody?

@AndyRichter

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

@copymama

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

@FuckabillyRex

If you didn’t wanna see 157 pictures of me eating cake, you shouldn’t have put me in charge of the PowerPoint presentation, boss.

@1evilidiot

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist