I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

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God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then


You’ve got to be twins. You’re too stupid to be one person.


Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?


*jumping on a trampoline*

What do you mean you want full custody?


Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior


Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.


If you didn’t wanna see 157 pictures of me eating cake, you shouldn’t have put me in charge of the PowerPoint presentation, boss.


Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist