I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
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Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
This pepper has seen some shit
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open