I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
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Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.