@Nuns_and_Beers

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

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@myonlymizztake

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

@_RobertSchultz

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

@Home_Halfway

Not sure what to do with your hands while on a date? Carry two swords. Next question

@Average_Dad1

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

@SteveMartinToGo

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

@conajam

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

@Rollinintheseat

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

@reallifemommy3

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

@sageboggs

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter