I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
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Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Alexa: *deep breath*
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …