[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
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her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
There is no try. There is only give up.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.