Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
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Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice