@prufrockluvsong

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

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@markydoodoo

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

@RunOldMan

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

@TheToddWilliams

[backstage at GOP debate]
AIDE: Mr. Trump needs his hair.
CAT: I’m puking as fast as I can.

@drinksmcgee

Hey girl, I’ve got the right equipment to satisfy you in bed.

*warms up electric blanket and turns on white noise machine

@nachdermas

99% of all online behavior is explained by the fact that everyone is insanely lonely and horny. the remaining 1% is advertising

@LurkAtHomeMom

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

@TheMichaelRock

Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don’t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.

@MomOfTeen

“Feel the burn” yells my fitness instructor as I think that’s probably how Satan greets people in Hell.

@AnniemuMary

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

@GeauxSaints79

M: Are you gonna eat that baby?

Lady: What!!?! Go away you Sick-O’

M: Sorry! I saw you putting it on Instagram & figured.. Never mind.