[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
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The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??