I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
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Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally