THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
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I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup