I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.