I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
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Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
goldfish mafia
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.