@AnOrangeSNES

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

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@dubiousrhetoric

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

@Dirty_Naomi

I’m going to start rubbing myself up against people when they’ve got nice food. If it works for my cat, it’ll work for me.

@karanbirtinna

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

@KrangTNelson

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

@Shade510

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

@burgerdrome

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

@concretesledge_

The tag on this hot tub reads “6 man” when I clearly ordered a 1 man 5 woman hot tub. This one is going back!

@Evan_Hadfield

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

@blade_funner

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.