I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

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WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.


I’m going to start rubbing myself up against people when they’ve got nice food. If it works for my cat, it’ll work for me.


Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.


it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman


Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.


Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy


Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.


The tag on this hot tub reads “6 man” when I clearly ordered a 1 man 5 woman hot tub. This one is going back!


The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.


I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.