I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
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boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I will never stop laughing at this
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.