@papasuncle
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
@A_SmartAss
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
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@papasuncle
@better_off_dad2
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
@Aikiwomannc
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
@elle91
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
@myunclesmemes
Only Americans understand
@mattZillaaaa
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
@ericsshadow
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
@BraandoCommando
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
@georgeattherock
“I’m going out”
• boring
• obvious
• might be illegal now?“I’m going outside for my state approved singular daily walk”
• Mysterious
• Kinda Soviet
• Good for public health