I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
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Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?