@A_SmartAss

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

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@papasuncle

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

@better_off_dad2

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

@Aikiwomannc

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

@elle91

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

@mattZillaaaa

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

@ericsshadow

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

@georgeattherock

“I’m going out”
• boring
• obvious
• might be illegal now?

“I’m going outside for my state approved singular daily walk”
• Mysterious
• Kinda Soviet
• Good for public health