[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
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The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Only Americans understand
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
“I’m going out”
• might be illegal now?
“I’m going outside for my state approved singular daily walk”
• Kinda Soviet
• Good for public health