i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
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It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!