I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
You Might Also Like
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Put my back out twerking in the library again
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.