@hipstermermaid

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

You Might Also Like

@sad_tree

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

@MeReflectingMe

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

@IchBin_Rob

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

@tastefactory

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

@maisondecris

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

@flashember

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

@supershayne

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

@JustMeTurtle

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good