@hipstermermaid

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

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@PaperWash

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

@AverageCorners

Me: Okay, bed time.

Brain: I’m with you, man. I’m tired.

Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE “PATIENCE” BY GUNS N’ ROSES!

@stillwondering1

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

@BlackCatBettie

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

@MarieLoerzel

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

@hansabumsadaisy

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

@DrakeGatsby

? THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

@notacroc

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

@Stap_Jr

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.