I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
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I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Previously On Persistence 😎
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!