I see that you have graph paper, you must be plotting something.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
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*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be
*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: *starts sweating*
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*
The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!
Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good