Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
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I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
John: Hey Jude…
Paul: Don’t make it bad
George: Take a sad song…
Ringo: So weird how coffee is yummy hot or cold but gross in-between
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
BARISTA: I have a latte ready for “Give me all your money?”
ROBBER: Oh goodness, this is so embarrassing, I see there’s been some confusion
Boss: You’re late! You shoulda been here two hours ago!
Me: Why? What happened two hours ago?
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.