I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
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She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”