I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

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I don’t think I’d be as calm as Billy Joel was in that song if an old man was sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin.


I got drunk and woke up in the gutter.

This is my sewer side note.


* tries to spread peanut butter *

Peanut Butter: I have a boyfriend


By age 35 you should run into friends and say “WE SHOULD HANG OUT SOON!” twice a week. You will never hang out. You’ll just scream this at each other until one of you dies.


I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?


me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday


I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.


Me: IDK why I’m so down lately. Maybe this is an indication that I need to reevaluate the priorities or figure out how to make meaning in my life
My friends: The moon is weird right now
Me: Yeah nevermind it’s definitely because the moon is weird right now


[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant