@pilau

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

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@bonehugsnirony

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

@primawesome

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

@VeganZebra

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

@HallpassCanada

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

@rolldiggity

When your date asks about your hobbies, DON’T grab her table knife in a napkin and say, “Collecting knives with strangers’ prints on them.”

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

@madam_daze

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

@AngelaEhh

My dentist said I have a very wet mouth.

*Updates dating profile.