I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
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“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol