I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

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Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-


My boyfriend does this completely insane thing where sometimes, when I ask him to take a photo of me, he takes exactly ONE photo


*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.


*after every concert I’ve seen*

“That was the best concert I’ve ever seen!”


-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?


I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.


Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:


Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.


I am not a ride or die chick.
I have questions. Where we going? Will there be food? Why do I have to die? Why didn’t you like my last pic?..


just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you… I am not Whitney Houston