I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
You Might Also Like
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.