*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
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The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.