@Boba_Photo

I got a candy bar from the hotel mini bar if you’re wondering why I’ll be late with the mortgage this month.

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@Sassafrantz

[lays down]
Me: Feels so good to close my eyes.
Brain: We should think about a fire evacuation plan.

@kiralc

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

@68Cly29

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

@IEatChawal

I like to combine danger with awkwardness by falling up stairs.

@Alex_LaVallee

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

@beliz69

Today, I asked my husband if he would still love me if I was ugly and fat. He answered, “Yes, honey I do.”

@kathybotteas

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

@gerryhallcomedy

Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces:

Your car got paint on my keys.

@captainkalvis

ME: let’s go to the International House of Pancakes
GERALD (a bunny): Ihop?
ME: you can do whatever you want, gerald, i’m getting pancakes