The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
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Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Pretty much! 😂👀
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.