I got a candy bar from the hotel mini bar if you’re wondering why I’ll be late with the mortgage this month.

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[lays down]
Me: Feels so good to close my eyes.
Brain: We should think about a fire evacuation plan.


a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians


Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor


I like to combine danger with awkwardness by falling up stairs.


Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.


Today, I asked my husband if he would still love me if I was ugly and fat. He answered, “Yes, honey I do.”


You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?


Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces:

Your car got paint on my keys.


ME: let’s go to the International House of Pancakes
GERALD (a bunny): Ihop?
ME: you can do whatever you want, gerald, i’m getting pancakes