I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
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Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet