I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
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I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
hmmm
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
jesus christ confetti not now
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?