I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
You Might Also Like
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?