DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I got a free wallet and watch today. It’s like this gun is magic.
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My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I’m still not a member of Jem and the Holograms and that is truly truly truly outrageous.
My psychiatrist tells me it’s just transference, but I’m pretty sure I love anyone who will listen to my problems armed with a prescription pad.
Me: *holding a frying pan*
Brain: hit someone with it
Brain: DO IT! It’ll go BONG!
what if we pronounced “envelope” like “penelope”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I see in my wife’s browser history that she’s is googling couples ballroom dance lessons and I’m now praying that she’s having an affair