I got a free wallet and watch today. It’s like this gun is magic.

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DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say


My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains


I’m still not a member of Jem and the Holograms and that is truly truly truly outrageous.


My psychiatrist tells me it’s just transference, but I’m pretty sure I love anyone who will listen to my problems armed with a prescription pad.


Me: *holding a frying pan*

Brain: hit someone with it


Brain: DO IT! It’ll go BONG!


Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat


“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”


We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”


I see in my wife’s browser history that she’s is googling couples ballroom dance lessons and I’m now praying that she’s having an affair