I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
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Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.