I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
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waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.