I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
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Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I self medicate, therefore you live.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.