I鈥檝e just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I鈥檝e since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 馃槤
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iron man: it鈥檚 not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who鈥檚 being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
me after eating Cheetos
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
We have completed this week鈥檚 homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I鈥檇 have preferred to have done a week鈥檚 worth of washing instead. Twice.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
You know who doesn鈥檛 sleep like a baby? Babies.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?