“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
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restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?