I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
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Breaking news:
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
thank god
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?