I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay’s Potato Chips!
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
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Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
“NO NOT FISH
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who’s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way that I was going to let her take half of my Golden Girls Memorabilia collection.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.