@InternetHippo

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

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@xoCAMILLAxo

I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay’s Potato Chips!

@Elizasoul80

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

@timdonakowski

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

@debon7

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

@NoTheOtherJohn

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

@KimJongSean

The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who’s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed

@drinksmcgee

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way that I was going to let her take half of my Golden Girls Memorabilia collection.

@david8hughes

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.