I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
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You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.