@realHamOnWry

I got a new cat from the inner city shelter. So far he seems fine, except for needing to go outside every hour for a cigarette.

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@2014longview

If you carry a baseball bat in your car, you should carry a glove too. Your lawyer will thank you.

@Reverend_Scott

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

@UnFitz

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

@steeve_again

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

@TheAndrewNadeau

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

@swisherr_tweet

How to be a white girl:

1.) Get a frappuccino from Starbucks
2.) take a picture drinking it
3.) Instagram it
4.) hash tag ‘summerrrrrrrrr’

@yeetztweetz

*watches precisely one documentary*
hello, everyone. i am here to talk about the Oklahoma City bombing which happened in 1995. please pull out your notepad and pen and i will begin my seminar shortly

@ruinedpicnic

Joe: $400? For ONE night?
Innkeeper: It’s the honeymoon suite.
[outside]
Joe: No rooms.
Mary: None?
Joe: Bummer, huh. That barn looks cosy?

@T_Bonezzz_

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset