Asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, “A way out” wasn’t the right answer.
I got a new cat from the inner city shelter. So far he seems fine, except for needing to go outside every hour for a cigarette.
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[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*
“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
Just came across my proto-Simpsons shitpost from 2015, approximately one million years ago
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Flash floods in Arizona last night. We nominate California and Texas. #ALSIceBucketChallenge
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun
How’s your summer going?