@realHamOnWry

I got a new cat from the inner city shelter. So far he seems fine, except for needing to go outside every hour for a cigarette.

You Might Also Like

@_thatigirl

Asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, “A way out” wasn’t the right answer.

@SteveSuckington

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

@TheAlexNevil

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

@pattymo

Just came across my proto-Simpsons shitpost from 2015, approximately one million years ago

@ScaryMommy

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

@aveuaskew

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

@thetruealban

Flash floods in Arizona last night. We nominate California and Texas. #ALSIceBucketChallenge

@gavinspeiller

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

@sfreeze6

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?