I got a new cat from the inner city shelter. So far he seems fine, except for needing to go outside every hour for a cigarette.

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If you carry a baseball bat in your car, you should carry a glove too. Your lawyer will thank you.


girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant



Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.


Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all


Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.


How to be a white girl:

1.) Get a frappuccino from Starbucks
2.) take a picture drinking it
3.) Instagram it
4.) hash tag ‘summerrrrrrrrr’


*watches precisely one documentary*
hello, everyone. i am here to talk about the Oklahoma City bombing which happened in 1995. please pull out your notepad and pen and i will begin my seminar shortly


Joe: $400? For ONE night?
Innkeeper: It’s the honeymoon suite.
Joe: No rooms.
Mary: None?
Joe: Bummer, huh. That barn looks cosy?


When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset