I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
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6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.