OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
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Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
*pronounces fake like saké*
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Tremendous stuff