Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
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Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
*You at a concert* Dancing, singing, feeling the beat, letting loose.
*Me at a concert* Waiting for the bass player to make eye contact and then giving a thumbs up so they know they’re doing a good job and someone cares.
All I’m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn’t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after EVERY use.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
The Punning Dead.
The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.