@Philosopherbing

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

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@ArfMeasures

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

@seamussaid

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

@thenatewolf

*You at a concert* Dancing, singing, feeling the beat, letting loose.

*Me at a concert* Waiting for the bass player to make eye contact and then giving a thumbs up so they know they’re doing a good job and someone cares.

@vexroid

All I’m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn’t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after EVERY use.

@weinerdog4life

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

@stephenjmolloy

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

@better_off_dad

The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.