I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
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It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Morning my dudes.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.