*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
You Might Also Like
The little girl behind me asked her mom what murder was, confirming my suspicious that Sesame Street doesn’t prepare you for the real world.
The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I’ve weighed myself before and after I walk into my job
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.
~ The Disclaimers.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
At some point in time, the brain named itself. You think it would have gone with something a little better, like Bernard.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?