@krisv_723

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

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@AndyAsAdjective

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

@TheJessicaLong

The little girl behind me asked her mom what murder was, confirming my suspicious that Sesame Street doesn’t prepare you for the real world.

@theshamingofjay

The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I’ve weighed myself before and after I walk into my job

@rad_milk

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

@egg_dog

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

@itsAndoh

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

@ojedge

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

@not_thenanny

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

@clarkekant

At some point in time, the brain named itself. You think it would have gone with something a little better, like Bernard.