I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
You Might Also Like
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
greetings!
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Come back with a warrant
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly