@Angibangie

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

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@doktorj

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

@McNarstle

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

@ThisOneSayz

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

@RickAaron

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

@fro_vo

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

@Rivs01

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

@melpraktis

When people say “You look so familiar” responding with “Were we in prison together?” is almost always a conversation killer.

@ebruenig

Gandalf: It is in men that we must place our hope

Elrond: Have you seen their tweets

@mjkspeaks

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex