Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
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I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
When people say “You look so familiar” responding with “Were we in prison together?” is almost always a conversation killer.
Gandalf: It is in men that we must place our hope
Elrond: Have you seen their tweets
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex