Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
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Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.