@pinningnut

I got a secret!
I got a secret!

Whiskey: Not anymore.

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@BuckyIsotope

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

@thetits

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

@BillMc7

Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.

@Buffalojilll

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ???? ? ???

@misfarber

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

@18_edits

Me in Heaven: damn this place nice as hell!!!

Angels: nice as what?