I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
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Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
me doing my best
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Auto correct is my worst enema.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.