I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
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This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Schrödinger’s cookie
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.