I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
You Might Also Like
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
58.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.